Automotive Humour

[noaim]

German automotive phrases (with apologies!)

Indicator Lights: Die Blinkenleiten Tickentocken

Windscreen Wipers: Der flippenflappenmuckenschpredder

Exhaust Pipe: Spitzenpoppenhangentuben

Power Brakes: Der edbangeronvinschreen stoppenquick

Seat Belts: Der klunkenklikken frauleinstrapper

Rear Seat: Der Schpringentester

Backfire: Der Lowdenbangermekkenjumpen

Accident: Das Bleedinkmess

Near Accident: Der Phewn Near Schittenselfen

Garage: Der Hieway Robberung

Fuel Gauge: Der Walletemptyung Meter

(collected at Michigan State University)

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Automotive companies don't have help lines for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers.

But what if they did!

HelpLine: "Automotive HelpLine, how can I help you?"

Customer: "I got in my car and closed the door and nothing happened"

HelpLine: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?"

Customer: "What's an ignition?"

HelpLine: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine."

Customer: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all these technical terms just to use my car?"

HelpLine: "Automotive HelpLine, how can I help you?"

Customer: "My car ran fine for a week and now it won't go anywhere"

HelpLine: "Is the gas tank empty?"

Customer: "Huh? How do I know?"

HelpLine: "There's a little gauge on the front panel with a needle and markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle pointing?"

Customer: "It's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?"

HelpLine: "It means you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself or pay the vendor to install it for you."

Customer: "What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!"

HelpLine: "Automotive HelpLine, how can I help you?"

Customer: "Hi, I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes and power door locks."

HelpLine: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"

Customer: "How do I work it?"

HelpLine: "Do you know how to drive?"

Customer: "Do I know how to what?"

HelpLine: "Do you know how to drive?"

Customer: "I'm not a technical person, I just want to go places in my car!"

(original source unknown)

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The 'Basic Price'

There was a farmer, Perley Moore, who had recently bought a truck and found that the "basic price" was only the beginning. Once the salesman had added on all the extras—towing package, toolbox, fifth-wheeler attachment, etc. —the price was quite a bit higher. Well, by a strange turn of fate, that same salesman stopped by Perley's farm one day to buy a cow. The dealer examined the herd, picked out a likely specimen, and asked about the price.

"That's a hundred-dollar cow," Moore replied directly.

"That's fair enough," said the salesman. "I'll take her."

"Well, now, that's the basic price," Moore added, getting out pencil and paper. "There are one or two extras, of course." He made a few notes and handed the paper to the dealer. Here is the final invoice:

Basic cow

$100

Two-tone exterior

$45

Storage compartment and

dispensing device

$60

Four spigots @ $10 each

$40

Genuine cowhide upholstery

$75

Dual horns @ $7.50 each

$15

Automatic fly-swatter

$35

Total

$370

Thanks for this go to Christopher Kimball, founder and editor, America's Test Kitchen.

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Be careful what you wear (or don't wear!), when working under your vehicle...

From Australia's Sydney Morning Herald, comes this story of a couple who drove their car until it broke down in a shopping mall parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underwear turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand up his shorts and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches to his head.

(reported by the Sydney Morning Herald)

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[noaim]

Automobile Tool Definitions

Hammer:

Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive car parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

Mechanic's Knife:

Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing convertible tops or tonneau covers.

Electric Hand Drill:

Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling rollbar mounting holes in the floor of a sports car just above the brake line that goes to the rear axle.

Hacksaw:

One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

Aviation Metal Snips:

See Hacksaw.

Vise-Grips:

Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

Oxyacetelene Torch:

Used almost entirely for lighting those stale garage cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the Whitworth socket drawer (What wife would think to look in there?) because you can never remember to buy lighter fluid for the Zippo lighter you got from the PX at Fort Campbell.

Zippo Lighter:

See oxyacetelene torch.

Whitworth Sockets:

Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for hiding six-month old Salems from the sort of person who would throw them away for no good reason.

Drill Press:

A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against the Rolling Stones poster over the bench grinder.

Wire Wheel:

Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, "Django Reinhardt".

Hydraulic Floor Jack:

Used for lowering a Mustang to the ground after you have installed a set of Ford Motorsports lowered road springs, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front air dam.

Eight-Foot Long Douglas Fir 2X4:

Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.

Tweezers:

A tool for removing wood splinters.

Phone:

Tool for calling your neighbor Chris to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

Snap-On Gasket Scraper:

Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

E-Z Out Bolt and Stud Extractor:

A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

Timing Light:

A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys.

Two-Ton Hydraulic Engine Hoist:

A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

Craftsman 1/2 x 16-inch Screwdriver:

A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

Battery Electrolyte Tester:

A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

Trouble Light:

The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin", which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

Phillips Screwdriver:

Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

Air Compressor:

A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Abingdon, Oxfordshire, and rounds them off.

[MasterDon]

hey checkout what happens when this love/wedding info site "tries" to talk about cars.... ....look what they have to say about the carrera gt,range rover,lexus,zonda etc

http://www.mydearvalentine.com/top-10/expensive-cars.html

[Pericles]

hey checkout what happens when this love/wedding info site "tries" to talk about cars.... ....look what they have to say about the carrera gt,range rover,lexus,zonda etc

http://www.mydearvalentine.com/top-10/expensive-cars.html

You know they must be smoking the good stuff when they start calling the Carrera GT a sedan....

But I like the Mercedes Benz one the best. Like wow, the whole brand is a sedan.

[Devinda_Z]

hey checkout what happens when this love/wedding info site "tries" to talk about cars.... ....look what they have to say about the carrera gt,range rover,lexus,zonda etc

http://www.mydearvalentine.com/top-10/expensive-cars.html

makes a poor attempt and fail miserably!

utter cock!

[Supra_Natural]

makes a poor attempt and fail miserably!

utter cock!

Now now... language.

[Supra_Natural]

A woman calls an import parts warehouse and asks for a 28-ounce water pump.

"A what?" says the confused parts guy.

"My husband says he needs a 28-ounce water pump."

"A 28-ounce water pump? What kind of car does it fit?" "A Datsun." As the parts guy writes down "Datsun, 28 oz. water pump" the light in his head goes on. "Oh yes ma'am. We've got 28-ounce water pumps. We have 24-ounce and 26-ounce water pumps too."

"Finally," she says. "You're the first place I've called that knew what I was talking about."

"Yes ma'am. That's because we're a full service parts warehouse. It's our job to have the parts you need, like a 28-ounce water pump," he says, smiling, as he jots down customer pick-up, Datsun 280Z water pump, part number ...

[Supra_Natural]

Apparently this feller was in a local car parts shop when a woman walked in and asked for a seven ten cap. Two blokes behind the counter and our hero looked at each other and one said, "What's a seven ten cap?"

She said "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost somehow and I need a new one."

"What kind of a car is it on?" someone asked. She said a Ford.

"How big is it?" She makes a circle with her hands about 3 1/2 inches in diameter.

"What does it do?" She said she didn't know know, but it had always been there.

Someone gave her a note pad and asked her to draw a picture of it. She drew a circle and in the centre wrote 710.

The blokes behind the counter who are looking at it upside down as she writes, fall about laughing and one goes and gets her an oil cap.

[MasterDon]

Q: Why do Land Rovers have heated rear windows?

A: To keep your hands warm when you're pushing them.

Q: What's the difference between a Kia and the principal's office?

A: It's less embarrassing if your friends see you leaving the principal's office.

Q: What goes on pages 4-5 of the Jeep user's manual?

A: The train and bus schedule.

A man goes to a parts garage:

Man: "Can I have a windshield wiper for a VW please?"

Parts man: "Yeah, that seems like a fair swap."

Q: How do you make a Rolls Royce leak oil?

A: Stick a Dodge badge onto it.

Q: What do you call a Freelander at the top of a hill?

A: A miracle.

Q: What do you call a Hyundai with dual exhausts?

A: A wheelbarrow.

Q: How do you double the value of a Discovery V8?

A: Half fill it with gas

Q: So you applied for a second bond?

A: Yes, my Merc needs a minor service.

Q: So BMW wasn't the first car on the scrap heap?

A: Nope, it was towed in by a NISSAN.

Q: What do you call an Explorer with brakes?

A: Customized

Q: What do you have to do if your Cherokee gets in the way of a

swarm of killer bees?

A: Stop pushing and take refuge in the car.

Q: What is the Daewoo owner's most ardent wish?

A: To buy a car.

Q: What do you call a Renault with a seat belt?

A: A rucksack.

Q: How do you make a Matiz (Chevy Aveo) go faster uphill?

A: Throw out the passenger.

Q: What do you call an Opel with a flat tire?

A: A write-off.

[MasterDon]

You might be an MG owner if...

... you've ever said "I actually kind of like the smell of mildew".

... you've ever said " Honey, I'll have it fixed in a minute."

... you have more than 20 boxes in your garage labeled "spare parts".

... you have a luggage rack on your boot and actually use it to carry your luggage because the trunk is full of tools and spare parts.

... you get your car started like Fred Flintstone.

... you need more garage space to park dead cars than working ones.

... what other car owners consider irritations, you consider "challenges".

... your idea of top priority mail is the latest Moss, VB, or other parts flier, rather than those unpaid bills that came in the mail with them.

... your idea of aerobics training is a systematic program of crawling under and getting back up and dashing across the yard or garage for each individual part and tool which you have forgotten or discover you need to work on a project. Extra points for running to the parts house on foot or on your bicycle because your MG is your only motorized transport.

... you wonder what's wrong when you see a car without an oil drip under it.

... you refuse to make friends with people named Lucas.

... you pull the hood latch, before you try the key.

... you wait until the car's running to fasten your seatbelt.

... you check the Sunday "sales fliers" in the newspaper for oil specials.

... you waterproof your luggage before a road trip.

... you turn the radio down so you can listen to the exhaust.

... you look at the Victoria British catalog before the Victoria's Secret catalog if they both come the same day.

... you're the only one at the party who knows what a Whitworth spanner is.

... your parts car is in the garage and your spouse's car is in the driveway.

... you can identify at least three automotive fluids at twenty paces.

... you believe there are only two kinds of cars, chrome or rubber bumper.

... you forget the toilet paper but got a great deal on hand cleaner.

... running out to get milk takes 3 hours on a sunny day.

... you get this feeling of impending doom when the car is running really, really well.

... you have a T-series windscreen under your bed and other newly chromed bits there as well and your spouse doesn't complain.

... you look through "Road & Track" for MG cartoons and don't read anything else.

... purchasing jewelry for your wife reminds you of chroming vital parts of your car.

... you have 2 or more cars on blocks at the end of the driveway.

... you convinced your wife that the BGT is practical because it has a rear seat for the kids.

... you have two or more cars in a one car garage.

... you grin like a "mule eating briars" while driving.

... you call the local auto parts store once in a while just hear the teenager on the other end say "... is that some sort of Ford or sumthin?", but only when really bored or can't find your parts catalogs.

... people in other cars shout out to you "don't you know it's raining?"

... you can drive top-down in the drizzle without getting wet.

... you search for "MG" and wind up here, only to meet your future spouse!

... you adopt a cat from the humane society and spend days trying to think of a suitable name for him, so that his initials will be M.G.B.

... when purchasing a nice new roll-around tool cabinet from Sears, you ask if it comes with a trailer hitch.

... your mates think you're boring them about your MG, but the wives say you aren't.

... you know the parts falling off your car are the finest english quality.

... a gulp valve is all you wanted for Christmas.

... after months of deliberating you get in your MG to finally take to the garage to be sold, only to return home in it two hours later after a long drive along country roads

... after finally getting all the running gear replaced, you go and get another MG and start again.

... the street outside your house shows a lovely rainbow of colours when it rains ... from all the oil.

... you carry an SU mixture adjusting wrench AND a Lucas points adjusting screwdriver on your key ring

... your spouse has granted you a shelf in the family room to display newly restored parts

... you actually include Castrol and Berryman's Chemtool in the family budget as a regularly purchased item, like laundry detergent or soap.

... your cats run to the door and cry in anticipation when they hear an MG drive by, thinking "Daddy's Home".

... you have to schedule two hours of adjustments and repair work so you can take a 10 minute drive to the store.

... you get Christmas cards from Castrol.

... you know better what the underside of your car looks like than the interior.

... you've ever worn a MG T-shirt to church.

... you can easily spout out the complete production dates of the MGB, including all major changes, but your wedding anniversary requires a calandar.

... your child, on gaining its drivers licence, decides that it wants an MG.

... you can't help letting out a little cheer every time the ignition system works as advertised.

... you've got a different key for every lock on your car, even though, as a soft top, you know deep down that none of them are much use.

... on Friday after coming home from work you walk into the house, say "hi" to the significant other, grab a beer from the icebox and walk out to the garage.

... you know the store layout better than the staff at Autozone / Track Auto / Pep Boys.

... you have all the MG distributors' 800 order phone numbers memorized or on your speed dial.

... you cross your fingers everytime you try to start the car.

www.cpu-net.com/host/dadsmgs/mgjokes.htm

Edited May 13, 2009 by HelRazor

[ucscsades]

I'm absolutely clueless as to where this should really go, but it is kind of entertaining and funny so figured here would be a decent place. Really cool, and I wish I had that much free time!..I doubt that I'd spend it the same way as this fellow though.

eh, I couldn't get the embedded video to work, so here..it's worth it!

Edited May 12, 2009 by ucscsades

[Devinda_Z]

I'm absolutely clueless as to where this should really go, but it is kind of entertaining and funny so figured here would be a decent place. Really cool, and I wish I had that much free time!..I doubt that I'd spend it the same way as this fellow though.

eh, I couldn't get the embedded video to work, so here..it's worth it!

there you go

some good ole fashioned stop motion animation! - reminds me of the Thunderbirds from days gone by!

Edited May 13, 2009 by Devinda_Z

[Pericles]

You might be an MG owner if...

... you refuse to make friends with people named Lucas.

I'm guessing you don't have any friends called Lucas?

[MasterDon]

I'm guessing you don't have any friends called Lucas?

hehe....not really......unless one of you buggers have lucas as a middle name

the scary thing about that list is that most of it fits me old man like a glove...specially the "you have a T-series windscreen under your bed and other newly chromed bits there as well and your spouse doesn't complain"...the guy right now has a T windscreen under his bed and the chromed bits of the A under his bed....

frequently he pulls them from under the bed and carreses them lovingly and tenderly for hours on end...and the weird thing is me mom is fine with it :lol:

[JadeyBlitzen]

hehe....not really......unless one of you buggers have lucas as a middle name

the scary thing about that list is that most of it fits me old man like a glove...specially the "you have a T-series windscreen under your bed and other newly chromed bits there as well and your spouse doesn't complain"...the guy right now has a T windscreen under his bed and the chromed bits of the A under his bed....

frequently he pulls them from under the bed and carreses them lovingly and tenderly for hours on end...and the weird thing is me mom is fine with it :lol:

mate you forgot one fact! to drive an mg (f in particular) you should have either breasts or a beard (if not both)

[MasterDon]

mate you forgot one fact! to drive an mg (f in particular) you should have either breasts or a beard (if not both)

...LOL... why the F in particular?

[JadeyBlitzen]

...LOL... why the F in particular?

well its not exactly the manliest car ever is it? a B v8 could have got away alrite. but being an MG wasnt the F's only problem

[MasterDon]

well its not exactly the manliest car ever is it? a B v8 could have got away alrite. but being an MG wasnt the F's only problem

haha i think the list was meant for classic mg owners machang.....you know the bearded tweed coat folks,who smoke pipes....NOT the owners of the rover era crap they put out......

[JadeyBlitzen]

haha i think the list was meant for classic mg owners machang.....you know the bearded tweed coat folks,who smoke pipes....NOT the owners of the rover era crap they put out......

fair enough! but i still want to drive an A or a chrome bumpered B one day. or even own one ...secretly